Summer Lovin'

UPDATE!


1. Get a tattoo.
2. Kiss a cute guy.
3. See Kristen Falls every day that I'm in the Bakersfield area.
4. Take multiple short road trips.
5. Take 2 long road trips.
6. Follow through on a goal.
7. Spend time with my great-grandmother.
8. Be in two places at once.
9. Have a crazy birthday party.
10. Get unbelieveably drunk once.
11. Kiss in the rain.
12. Walk barefoot in the rain.
13. Swimming in the rain.
14. Make it to Warped Tour.
15. Live with someone else for a week.
16. Talk like Billy Mayes. RIP Billy Mayes
17. Make a committment.
18. Not get sick.
19. Meet a cute guy named Steven.
20. Buy Oxyclean.
21. Go poster shopping.
22. Make a decent amount of money.
23. Feel pretty, every single day.
24. Hang out with my best friends as much as possible.
25. Make this the best summer of my life so far.

Summer Goals Update.

So I'm reposting my 25 summer goals, but in this entry, as i finish them, I will put a strike through them. This is so we can keep track of my goals. Keep checking back for updates!


1. Get a tattoo.
2. Kiss a cute guy.
3. See Kristen Falls every day that I'm in the Bakersfield area.
4. Take multiple short road trips.
5. Take 2 long road trips.
6. Follow through on a goal.
7. Spend time with my great-grandmother.
8. Be in two places at once.
9. Have a crazy birthday party.
10. Get unbelieveably drunk once.
11. Kiss in the rain.
12. Walk barefoot in the rain.
13. Swimming in the rain.
14. Make it to Warped Tour.
15. Live with someone else for a week.
16. Talk like Billy Mayes. RIP Billy Mayes
17. Make a committment.
18. Not get sick.
19. Meet a cute guy named Steven.
20. Buy Oxyclean.
21. Go poster shopping.
22. Make a decent amount of money.
23. Feel pretty, every single day.
24. Hang out with my best friends as much as possible.
25. Make this the best summer of my life so far.

The End is Nowhere Near.

Twenty-Five Summer Goals.


1. Get a tattoo.
2. Kiss a cute guy.
3. See Kristen Falls every day that I'm in the Bakersfield area.
4. Take multiple short road trips.
5. Take 2 long road trips.
6. Follow through on a goal.
7. Spend time with my great-grandmother.
8. Be in two places at once.
9. Have a crazy birthday party.
10. Get unbelieveably drunk once.
11. Kiss in the rain.
12. Walk barefoot in the rain.
13. Swimming in the rain.
14. Make it to Warped Tour.
15. Live with someone else for a week.
16. Talk like Billy Mayes for a day.
17. Make a committment.
18. Not get sick.
19. Meet a cute guy named Steven.
20. Buy Oxyclean.
21. Go poster shopping.
22. Make a decent amount of money.
23. Feel pretty, every single day.
24. Hang out with my best friends as much as possible.
25. Make this the best summer of my life so far.

Explode.

I'm sick of hearing German.


The End.

Done.

I'm letting go.





I'm giving up.

Empty.

I need to disappear.
I need to let everything go.

Empty Promises

I just can't pull myself away, I just can't stop. I just can't stop.


But....

I need to...

I need to stop feeling this way. I need to let him go, and figure his problems out. I need to think about myself. I need to be selfish for once. I need to do what is best for me. I'm letting him go. I'm letting him figure it out on his own.

I want to...

I want to go back. I want to go back to November, and do everything all over again. Sure, I had some good times since then. But I want the old me back. Everybody says change is something you can't help, but i know one way that I could have fixed it. I could have stopped that night. I could still be the fun, loud, crazy Amanda. I feel like I lost a huge part of me. And, I want it back.

I'm going to...

I'm going to get better, eventually. I thought I had gotten better, but I haven't. I have just been hiding my emotions, faking that happiness, yet again. I'm going to build myself back up again.

I hate that...

I hate that I'm sitting here crying as I'm writing this. I hate that I'm never going to be completely normal again. I hate him. I hate you so much John. I hate what you took from me. I hate how you look, sound, smell, talk. I hate that you breathe the same air that I do. I hate that you have a beating heart. I hate that I'm letting go of Eric. I hate that it's happening this way. I hate that I can't walk over to my best friend's house to hug her. I hate being so far away. I hate that I have self destructive habits. I hate that I hate myself. I hate the way I look. I hate the way I act. I hate the way I feel. I hate me.

I've made...

I've made many mistakes over the past few months. I've been a reckless person as of late. I wish I could change what I have done, but there is no going back now. I'm going to change. I'm going to be smart again. I'm going to be different.



Just take one step at a time, there's no need to rush.