Friends Last a Lifetime?

Calling all friends from home! Where have you gone? What are you doing? Why did I lose you?

Please...don't leave me.

Lately, I've lost communication with basically everybody from home, except for my mom. I promised myself I wouldn't do this...but I've become a hypocrite. I've done what I swore I would never do. I isolated my different lives. I've seperated my friends from home and my friends from school. I've seperated my problems at home and my problems at school. I've seperated what makes me happy at home and what makes me happy here. Don't get me wrong...I love everybody and everything completely, but school has become my home. Where I live now, is where I relate to. I still relate to Bakersfield and all of it's glorious memories. Moraga is my home now though. I don't have the problems here that I did at home. I don't have to worry about pissing someone off every single day, because if I do here, I can tell them to leave me alone. I'm not giving up on Bakersfield, or the love and family I have there. I have just simply accepted the fact that my home is here now. I wish I could move everybody I love up here. Home is where the heart is...and my heart is in the bay.

Please don't leave me...


Remember how we all promised each other that we would stay in contact no matter what? Well, it looks like we're failing. What happened to the late night phone calls to check in on each other? Or the random texts saying that we miss each other? Where is that communication? I feel like I've tried and tried...yet get no response. I miss my friends calling or texting me to say 'hey'. I miss my friends letting me know they're around. I understand we're all busy, but I still try to maintain those friendships. I feel like I'm failing though. I feel like I have no say in this matter. Best friends forever, right?

I'm Over You and You're Stupidity

Dear Eric Baird,

I really wish you would read this so I can tell you how much of a complete asshole you are. You played me, you hurt me, you toyed with me, and you treated me like shit. Why did I like you so much? Why did I want to be with you so much? Why did I bother crying over you? Why did I despise myself so much when I stopped talking to you? I will not pine over you, nor will I ever wonder about you again. I don't hate you, but honestly, I don't give a shit about you anymore. I hope you enjoy your pathetic excuse for a life. I'm over it. Finally.

sincerely,

the girl you NEVER deserved.

Summer Lovin'

UPDATE!


1. Get a tattoo.
2. Kiss a cute guy.
3. See Kristen Falls every day that I'm in the Bakersfield area.
4. Take multiple short road trips.
5. Take 2 long road trips.
6. Follow through on a goal.
7. Spend time with my great-grandmother.
8. Be in two places at once.
9. Have a crazy birthday party.
10. Get unbelieveably drunk once.
11. Kiss in the rain.
12. Walk barefoot in the rain.
13. Swimming in the rain.
14. Make it to Warped Tour.
15. Live with someone else for a week.
16. Talk like Billy Mayes. RIP Billy Mayes
17. Make a committment.
18. Not get sick.
19. Meet a cute guy named Steven.
20. Buy Oxyclean.
21. Go poster shopping.
22. Make a decent amount of money.
23. Feel pretty, every single day.
24. Hang out with my best friends as much as possible.
25. Make this the best summer of my life so far.

Summer Goals Update.

So I'm reposting my 25 summer goals, but in this entry, as i finish them, I will put a strike through them. This is so we can keep track of my goals. Keep checking back for updates!


1. Get a tattoo.
2. Kiss a cute guy.
3. See Kristen Falls every day that I'm in the Bakersfield area.
4. Take multiple short road trips.
5. Take 2 long road trips.
6. Follow through on a goal.
7. Spend time with my great-grandmother.
8. Be in two places at once.
9. Have a crazy birthday party.
10. Get unbelieveably drunk once.
11. Kiss in the rain.
12. Walk barefoot in the rain.
13. Swimming in the rain.
14. Make it to Warped Tour.
15. Live with someone else for a week.
16. Talk like Billy Mayes. RIP Billy Mayes
17. Make a committment.
18. Not get sick.
19. Meet a cute guy named Steven.
20. Buy Oxyclean.
21. Go poster shopping.
22. Make a decent amount of money.
23. Feel pretty, every single day.
24. Hang out with my best friends as much as possible.
25. Make this the best summer of my life so far.

The End is Nowhere Near.

Twenty-Five Summer Goals.


1. Get a tattoo.
2. Kiss a cute guy.
3. See Kristen Falls every day that I'm in the Bakersfield area.
4. Take multiple short road trips.
5. Take 2 long road trips.
6. Follow through on a goal.
7. Spend time with my great-grandmother.
8. Be in two places at once.
9. Have a crazy birthday party.
10. Get unbelieveably drunk once.
11. Kiss in the rain.
12. Walk barefoot in the rain.
13. Swimming in the rain.
14. Make it to Warped Tour.
15. Live with someone else for a week.
16. Talk like Billy Mayes for a day.
17. Make a committment.
18. Not get sick.
19. Meet a cute guy named Steven.
20. Buy Oxyclean.
21. Go poster shopping.
22. Make a decent amount of money.
23. Feel pretty, every single day.
24. Hang out with my best friends as much as possible.
25. Make this the best summer of my life so far.

Explode.

I'm sick of hearing German.


The End.

Done.

I'm letting go.





I'm giving up.

Empty.

I need to disappear.
I need to let everything go.

Empty Promises

I just can't pull myself away, I just can't stop. I just can't stop.


But....

I need to...

I need to stop feeling this way. I need to let him go, and figure his problems out. I need to think about myself. I need to be selfish for once. I need to do what is best for me. I'm letting him go. I'm letting him figure it out on his own.

I want to...

I want to go back. I want to go back to November, and do everything all over again. Sure, I had some good times since then. But I want the old me back. Everybody says change is something you can't help, but i know one way that I could have fixed it. I could have stopped that night. I could still be the fun, loud, crazy Amanda. I feel like I lost a huge part of me. And, I want it back.

I'm going to...

I'm going to get better, eventually. I thought I had gotten better, but I haven't. I have just been hiding my emotions, faking that happiness, yet again. I'm going to build myself back up again.

I hate that...

I hate that I'm sitting here crying as I'm writing this. I hate that I'm never going to be completely normal again. I hate him. I hate you so much John. I hate what you took from me. I hate how you look, sound, smell, talk. I hate that you breathe the same air that I do. I hate that you have a beating heart. I hate that I'm letting go of Eric. I hate that it's happening this way. I hate that I can't walk over to my best friend's house to hug her. I hate being so far away. I hate that I have self destructive habits. I hate that I hate myself. I hate the way I look. I hate the way I act. I hate the way I feel. I hate me.

I've made...

I've made many mistakes over the past few months. I've been a reckless person as of late. I wish I could change what I have done, but there is no going back now. I'm going to change. I'm going to be smart again. I'm going to be different.



Just take one step at a time, there's no need to rush.

My Life in a Sentence.

Remember that guy I met--well, I lost him.

the end.

Friends. Till the End.

Dearest Mother.

I know that you will never read this. Partly because you don't know about my ranting spot. And also because you have no internet in the middle of nowhere you call home. But, in light of reading a close friend's post to his friends, I wanted to write something to tell you how I feel about you. Ready? Too bad if you aren't, because here it goes.

Mom, you have been there for me no matter what. You either help me first and foremost, or you lecture me, which in the end, you are always right. I know that no matter what, I can always get some sort of advice from you. I know that I can always turn to you, no questions asked.

Mom, there have been times in my life, especially lately, that I haven't always turned to you directly for advice. In these times, I'm simply considering the fact of how you would feel if you knew what really happened. I don't want to mess up your life, even though I am a big part of it. You should not have to worry about my problems. Like a good coworker said to me, why worry her even more? Mom, I really want to tell you what happened, but it's in the past and I'm getting over it. Besides, there is nothing you can do, besides kill the guy, and I'm pretty sure somebody has already claimed that one.

Mom, you are my hero. You have shown me how to live right. You have shown me what compassion really means. You have shown me who I can be and who I want to be. You have shown me what makes a person a good person, and Mom, you are the best person I know. You raised three kids on your own, and we are all fully functionable. You have shown us how to be successful. You gave up your life for us. We could never ask for more. You are truly the best.

Mom, you are my best friend. I know that you will never hate me, for absolutely any reason. Half of my blood comes from you. You gave me life. I love our little hate fests on my two favorite stepsisters. Or the times when I call just because I need to be lectured. Yes, I do call just to hear you lecture me. Mom, I call you just to hear your voice, because by hearing your voice, I know that in the end, everything will be alright. Mom, without you, my world doesn't exist. Even though you live 1,361 miles away from me, I could never feel closer to you.

Mom, I miss you so much. Even if you still lived in California, I would miss you to the extreme. I love you mom. I always will. I am so lucky to have you as my Mom. Jake, Mollie and I are extremely grateful for everything you have done for us. We would be nowhere without you. Could you imagine that? We would all be living with our fathers...and we would be screwed up people.

Mom, I could go on forever about how great you are to us and how thankful I am for you, but, unfortunately, homework is calling. I love you and I know you will never see this, but I need to get it out there. I need the world to know how amazing you are.






Mom, I love you.

I Walk Alone.

Today was a good day. No, nothing great or fantastic happened. It was a normal day actually. I woke up to the sound of some crazy techno at the usual 6:56 am, took the usual morning shower, brushed my teeth, and finished the typical routine of getting ready. Class was boring, as usual. When is an 8am class ever fun? Work came and went, routinely. Then, as I always do on Tuesdays and Thursdays, I attended my bible class, unwillingly I must say. Yes, as you can tell, today was horribly boring.

I realized a few things today however.

One. Boredom is not necessarily a bad thing. Having a boring day is significantly more appealing than having a day full of atrocious events. I would rather having a boring day than lose my job. Please, I can't lose that job, actually. I need it. So, therefore, boring is good.

Two. I'm simply rushing it. Yes, I really like him. Yes, I really want to be "his." Yes, I really want to be able to claim him, haha. But I do not want to rush into this. I want it to work out. I want us to be happy. So for now, he is simply my...Eric. He is obviously more than a friend, but nothing official yet. And, I'm going to keep it that way until he decides he is ready for something else. Something more, that is.

Three. Smoke detectors with low batteries are super annoying. Especially when you are trying to sleep after a night of being kept up by obnoxious snoring and blanket stealing. And, for me, they bring back horrible memories that I never want to experience again. So please kids, if it beeps, replace the batteries, for the sake of Amanda.

Finally, Four. Best friends are amazing. Best friends make the world a better place. Most people are only lucky enough to have a single best friend, but, I am lucky enough to have five. At this point, I don't know what I would do without you guys. You have helped me through the worst of times, through my lowest points, ever. I could never thank you guys enough. You basically saved my life. I love you all.

This Person Looks So Pretty, Do You Want to Burn Them With Me?

Why can't I find a lighter?

I really thought everything would be ok. I thought everything would be absolutely perfect. I mean, I met this amazing guy. I had my friend back. I had my family. Life was good. Then I hung out with my friend's little sister. I thought that I had fixed everything. Apparently, I hadn't. At the mention of a single name, this little sister started to cry. How do you tell somebody that even though she is talking to her friends again, she still has a sister that needs her? This girl should not have to deal with this on her own, but she feels like she has been abandoned. I cannot let this happen to her. I love her too much. Even if it means jeopardizing my own friendship.

I'm losing her.

I want to have her around, but she is too busy. She is too busy for her friends. She is too busy for her sister. I know she is going to read this, and instantly be mad at me. I do not wish to accuse, but I want her to see how her own little sister feels.

I'm having self destructive thoughts.

I'm desperately searching the house for a lighter. None to be found. Why am I still like this? I should be happy. I'm happy when I hear his voice, or feel his touch. But at night, when I'm alone, I want to cry. I want to cry so hard. But when I am talking to him at night, I feel ok. He makes me happy. If he makes me so happy, why am I searching for a lighter to ultimately scar my skin? These marks are simply a sign of my fault. A sign of my failure.

I cannot lose her.

I cannot lose her friendship. We have been close for way too long. I'm afraid that I will lose her though. This discussion might go bad, and then she might avoid me.

I cannot lose him.

He is saving my life right now. He is the reason I am smiling during the days. He is ok with all my faults. He will keep me alive.

I'm desperately searching for a lighter...

My life...in a sentence.

Amanda met a guy.

Ain't No Mountain High Enough.

"Hi stranger, I know it doesn't mean anything to you, but you were probably the best girl i ever had sex with. You don't have to say anything, but I just wanted you to know that you were the best sex ever even though it was your first time."

What a way to start a night, right? Personally, I wouldn't call it sex. Sex is generally when someone wants it....both want it. Not when one person wants it, and the other says no. That would be rape. He should have said, "You were the best girl I ever forced into it." Are you happy now? You took my purity from me. You stole from me. Now, it will never be special for the "right guy." You have something that I didn't want you to have. You took it away. Congratulations, you are a jackass.

"You should just marry me"

That is exactly what I want to do. I want to marry the guy who ruined my life. That would be the smartest choice of my life, right? You don't deserve me. I am way to good for you. No, I'm not being conceited, if that is what you think. You don't deserve such a great girl. You thought after that night, I wouldn't want to leave you. You were wrong. I'm doing just fine without you in my life.

Well, enough complaining for a night. Movie time.

How do You Sleep...

P!nk- Save My Life

Even though she knows it ain't right
She can't even call up her friends
And say "help me save my life"
She's so ashamed of herself that she's come full circle
Nobody understands what it's like to
Be this girl
So she disappeared, and she
Wasn't clear, and she
Didn't say where she was going

[Chorus]
Save my life, won't you help me
Save my life, won't you help me
Save my life, won't you hear me
Save my life, won't you help me

She had the man of her dreams
And some success
And she was so happy, and looking well
It was this one dark night, that she
Slipped
And then the next morning that she
Felt like a piece of shit
So she's hanging out, and she's
With the crowd, and she's
Travelin' where the wind is blowing

[Chorus]

And he's a real good guy and he
Wants to save her 'cause he's
More than been there all before
And she's so confused and his heart is breaking and he
Dreams she's knocking on his door

I need a life saver. I need help. I'm shaking. I'm freaking out. I need him. Where is he? Why does he do this to me? It's been over a week. He knows i need him. He knows how bad i need him. He is my addiction. I feel like i'm withdrawling. I hate that i act like this. I hate that we are so far away. I need to hear his voice. I need him to tell me everything will be ok. I need him to compliment me. But it wont happen. MIAAU. Missing In Action As Usual. That should be his slogan. I feel pathetic. Im not even with him. But i NEED him.

As for the one who ruined everything. How do you sleep at night while i cry? How do you look at yourself in the mirror? How does it feel to know that you took me away? I bet you couldnt even look me in the eye. I cannot sleep at night. I see your face. I cannot enjoy a dream anymore. I have relived it too many times in the past week. I'm afraid to close my eyes.

Let's Drunk Drive Cadillacs, We'll Never Get Far.

Its official, weekends in Oregon with one of your best friend's makes the soul a happy one.

For the time being, at least.

Maybe a trip to Utah can help cure it even more.

It was not my fault.
I am not alone.
I deserve support.
I have rights.

why can't i get this through my head?

If I could escape...

The weather was nice.
The sun was out.
People were walking around without jackets.
It was truly a beautiful day.
Things were looking up.

There is always a but in there somewhere.

Why am i so weak that i let simple messages bring me to tears? Why am i so ashamed of crying? Am i pathetic? Weak? Or just stubborn? As i sat in my cubicle today, reading the message, i felt a tear at the corner of my eye. I had to hide it. I couldnt let my boss see me in a moment of weakness. I sucked it up, dried the tear, and went back to deleting phone numbers. The world continued to turn...

Why did it all come to this? I spent the majority of my high school preventing this. All my work, and i learned absolutely nothing. Why am i so afraid to fight? Fighting is suppost to help, but it will just bring painful reminders all the time.

I finally told her today. Her reaction? I honestly don't know. But she needed to know. After all, she is my best friend. I hope she understands why it took me so long. I hope she still loves me. I hope this wont change anything.

Lastly, thank you all. I appreciate all your helpful words. I needed them. I am going to open up about everything now. Be prepared for many posts to come. I have so much built up inside me, no wonder why i was turning to self destruction. I miss you all and love you all. Thank you for everything.

Don't let me get me, i'm a hazard to myself.

I never realized how much a single song can bring a mood down. Flicking through my zune player on shuffle, i managed to come across an old song that i had not heard in possibly a year or so. Two lines into the song, and my "happy" mood was gone. I'm sitting here now, with a frown upon my face, the wind blowing through the window, causing chills to go down my body.

I want to change...

I want to be normal...

I want to go back in time...

That will never happen. People say that we learn from our mistakes, but i have yet to figure out what i am supposed to learn from this mistake. It seems like this is a mistake which cost me my life, emotionally. Physically, i still have a heartbeat and a pulse, but emotionally, i'm shot.

A new song begins, and it's another sad song. Is this how it is going to be for the rest it? Is it going to be constantly sad? I don't know how many times i have told my mom and dad that i'm happy. I don't know how many lies i have told them in the past month. I want to run. I want to run so far away that nobody can find me. I want to run away from my problems. I want to run to the middle of nowhere. Mom thinks i am happy. Dad thinks i love it here. I wish i COULD love it here. I wish i could enjoy my life. If it wasn't for November 29, 2008, i would be enjoying my life. If it wasn't for him, i wouldn't want to disappear. "It's bad when you annoy yourself." What is it then when you hate yourself?

Someone informed me last night that i would never forget this. Why not? The same person also informed me that i cannot do it alone. Why not? I'm an incompetent human being, and i'm finally asking for help...

A true hatred.

For those of you reading this, which I'm sure is not many, congratulations. I don't even know where to begin. First off, I decided to start this to keep my friends up to date with my life. I feel like lately I have been neglecting you all by not informing you of my recent experiences. But mainly, I decided to start this because I'm hoping to use this as an outlet of my anger, sadness, and hatred. I cannot guarantee you that this blog will be a happy one, or have happy posts for that matter.

A few days ago, a good friend of mine brought up a subject in a message that i had not thought about in a bit. It has been over a month now since the incident happened. Yet, it feels like it happened yesterday now. Over the past month, i have been able to hide my true feelings about myself and portray false ones. I was able to convince myself that these false feelings were true. I made myself believe that i was a happy person. I thought that i had my life under control finally. If someone asked me how i was, the typical response was "i'm happy." This is what i believed. I never expected what was to come in this message. I remember opening this message with a smile, i was happy that someone had finally messaged me after a month of no new messages. About halfway into the message, the smile had faded. I was shocked. I was...speechless. At this point, a tear began to slide down my face. It wasn't until the salty drop of water hit my left index finger that i realized i was crying. I had never thought that i would cry over this incident again. And here i was, crying my eyes out. I understand that this friend was purely concerned about me and my life, i just didn't expect what was coming. After a good 10 minutes of crying, i finally responded to the message. While in the process of responding, i realized many things. Never again did i think i would hate myself this much. I cannot even look in the mirror without seeing hatred and disgust in myself. I have tried to convince myself many times since the incident that it wasn't my fault. These many times of convincing have failed. As much as i don't want to believe it, it was my fault. If i had not made the choice of getting into my car and driving over to Union and P street then i would not be in this situation. I would not be falling back into depression. I would not have the desires to resume my past temptations of cutting and burning myself. Even as i write this right now, i have complete disgust in myself. I am whining to the world right now. Why can't i handle holding my feelings in anymore? Why can't i be normal and love myself again? My answer to both of those questions is simple. His name is John.

I must stop this saddening madness for tonight. Im crying, yet again. There will be more to come. I have a feeling this will never leave me. Thank you to those of you who have stuck with me throughout this ordeal. I love you guys completely.