This Person Looks So Pretty, Do You Want to Burn Them With Me?

Why can't I find a lighter?

I really thought everything would be ok. I thought everything would be absolutely perfect. I mean, I met this amazing guy. I had my friend back. I had my family. Life was good. Then I hung out with my friend's little sister. I thought that I had fixed everything. Apparently, I hadn't. At the mention of a single name, this little sister started to cry. How do you tell somebody that even though she is talking to her friends again, she still has a sister that needs her? This girl should not have to deal with this on her own, but she feels like she has been abandoned. I cannot let this happen to her. I love her too much. Even if it means jeopardizing my own friendship.

I'm losing her.

I want to have her around, but she is too busy. She is too busy for her friends. She is too busy for her sister. I know she is going to read this, and instantly be mad at me. I do not wish to accuse, but I want her to see how her own little sister feels.

I'm having self destructive thoughts.

I'm desperately searching the house for a lighter. None to be found. Why am I still like this? I should be happy. I'm happy when I hear his voice, or feel his touch. But at night, when I'm alone, I want to cry. I want to cry so hard. But when I am talking to him at night, I feel ok. He makes me happy. If he makes me so happy, why am I searching for a lighter to ultimately scar my skin? These marks are simply a sign of my fault. A sign of my failure.

I cannot lose her.

I cannot lose her friendship. We have been close for way too long. I'm afraid that I will lose her though. This discussion might go bad, and then she might avoid me.

I cannot lose him.

He is saving my life right now. He is the reason I am smiling during the days. He is ok with all my faults. He will keep me alive.

I'm desperately searching for a lighter...

My life...in a sentence.

Amanda met a guy.

Ain't No Mountain High Enough.

"Hi stranger, I know it doesn't mean anything to you, but you were probably the best girl i ever had sex with. You don't have to say anything, but I just wanted you to know that you were the best sex ever even though it was your first time."

What a way to start a night, right? Personally, I wouldn't call it sex. Sex is generally when someone wants it....both want it. Not when one person wants it, and the other says no. That would be rape. He should have said, "You were the best girl I ever forced into it." Are you happy now? You took my purity from me. You stole from me. Now, it will never be special for the "right guy." You have something that I didn't want you to have. You took it away. Congratulations, you are a jackass.

"You should just marry me"

That is exactly what I want to do. I want to marry the guy who ruined my life. That would be the smartest choice of my life, right? You don't deserve me. I am way to good for you. No, I'm not being conceited, if that is what you think. You don't deserve such a great girl. You thought after that night, I wouldn't want to leave you. You were wrong. I'm doing just fine without you in my life.

Well, enough complaining for a night. Movie time.

How do You Sleep...

P!nk- Save My Life

Even though she knows it ain't right
She can't even call up her friends
And say "help me save my life"
She's so ashamed of herself that she's come full circle
Nobody understands what it's like to
Be this girl
So she disappeared, and she
Wasn't clear, and she
Didn't say where she was going

[Chorus]
Save my life, won't you help me
Save my life, won't you help me
Save my life, won't you hear me
Save my life, won't you help me

She had the man of her dreams
And some success
And she was so happy, and looking well
It was this one dark night, that she
Slipped
And then the next morning that she
Felt like a piece of shit
So she's hanging out, and she's
With the crowd, and she's
Travelin' where the wind is blowing

[Chorus]

And he's a real good guy and he
Wants to save her 'cause he's
More than been there all before
And she's so confused and his heart is breaking and he
Dreams she's knocking on his door

I need a life saver. I need help. I'm shaking. I'm freaking out. I need him. Where is he? Why does he do this to me? It's been over a week. He knows i need him. He knows how bad i need him. He is my addiction. I feel like i'm withdrawling. I hate that i act like this. I hate that we are so far away. I need to hear his voice. I need him to tell me everything will be ok. I need him to compliment me. But it wont happen. MIAAU. Missing In Action As Usual. That should be his slogan. I feel pathetic. Im not even with him. But i NEED him.

As for the one who ruined everything. How do you sleep at night while i cry? How do you look at yourself in the mirror? How does it feel to know that you took me away? I bet you couldnt even look me in the eye. I cannot sleep at night. I see your face. I cannot enjoy a dream anymore. I have relived it too many times in the past week. I'm afraid to close my eyes.

Let's Drunk Drive Cadillacs, We'll Never Get Far.

Its official, weekends in Oregon with one of your best friend's makes the soul a happy one.

For the time being, at least.

Maybe a trip to Utah can help cure it even more.

It was not my fault.
I am not alone.
I deserve support.
I have rights.

why can't i get this through my head?

If I could escape...

The weather was nice.
The sun was out.
People were walking around without jackets.
It was truly a beautiful day.
Things were looking up.

There is always a but in there somewhere.

Why am i so weak that i let simple messages bring me to tears? Why am i so ashamed of crying? Am i pathetic? Weak? Or just stubborn? As i sat in my cubicle today, reading the message, i felt a tear at the corner of my eye. I had to hide it. I couldnt let my boss see me in a moment of weakness. I sucked it up, dried the tear, and went back to deleting phone numbers. The world continued to turn...

Why did it all come to this? I spent the majority of my high school preventing this. All my work, and i learned absolutely nothing. Why am i so afraid to fight? Fighting is suppost to help, but it will just bring painful reminders all the time.

I finally told her today. Her reaction? I honestly don't know. But she needed to know. After all, she is my best friend. I hope she understands why it took me so long. I hope she still loves me. I hope this wont change anything.

Lastly, thank you all. I appreciate all your helpful words. I needed them. I am going to open up about everything now. Be prepared for many posts to come. I have so much built up inside me, no wonder why i was turning to self destruction. I miss you all and love you all. Thank you for everything.

Don't let me get me, i'm a hazard to myself.

I never realized how much a single song can bring a mood down. Flicking through my zune player on shuffle, i managed to come across an old song that i had not heard in possibly a year or so. Two lines into the song, and my "happy" mood was gone. I'm sitting here now, with a frown upon my face, the wind blowing through the window, causing chills to go down my body.

I want to change...

I want to be normal...

I want to go back in time...

That will never happen. People say that we learn from our mistakes, but i have yet to figure out what i am supposed to learn from this mistake. It seems like this is a mistake which cost me my life, emotionally. Physically, i still have a heartbeat and a pulse, but emotionally, i'm shot.

A new song begins, and it's another sad song. Is this how it is going to be for the rest it? Is it going to be constantly sad? I don't know how many times i have told my mom and dad that i'm happy. I don't know how many lies i have told them in the past month. I want to run. I want to run so far away that nobody can find me. I want to run away from my problems. I want to run to the middle of nowhere. Mom thinks i am happy. Dad thinks i love it here. I wish i COULD love it here. I wish i could enjoy my life. If it wasn't for November 29, 2008, i would be enjoying my life. If it wasn't for him, i wouldn't want to disappear. "It's bad when you annoy yourself." What is it then when you hate yourself?

Someone informed me last night that i would never forget this. Why not? The same person also informed me that i cannot do it alone. Why not? I'm an incompetent human being, and i'm finally asking for help...

A true hatred.

For those of you reading this, which I'm sure is not many, congratulations. I don't even know where to begin. First off, I decided to start this to keep my friends up to date with my life. I feel like lately I have been neglecting you all by not informing you of my recent experiences. But mainly, I decided to start this because I'm hoping to use this as an outlet of my anger, sadness, and hatred. I cannot guarantee you that this blog will be a happy one, or have happy posts for that matter.

A few days ago, a good friend of mine brought up a subject in a message that i had not thought about in a bit. It has been over a month now since the incident happened. Yet, it feels like it happened yesterday now. Over the past month, i have been able to hide my true feelings about myself and portray false ones. I was able to convince myself that these false feelings were true. I made myself believe that i was a happy person. I thought that i had my life under control finally. If someone asked me how i was, the typical response was "i'm happy." This is what i believed. I never expected what was to come in this message. I remember opening this message with a smile, i was happy that someone had finally messaged me after a month of no new messages. About halfway into the message, the smile had faded. I was shocked. I was...speechless. At this point, a tear began to slide down my face. It wasn't until the salty drop of water hit my left index finger that i realized i was crying. I had never thought that i would cry over this incident again. And here i was, crying my eyes out. I understand that this friend was purely concerned about me and my life, i just didn't expect what was coming. After a good 10 minutes of crying, i finally responded to the message. While in the process of responding, i realized many things. Never again did i think i would hate myself this much. I cannot even look in the mirror without seeing hatred and disgust in myself. I have tried to convince myself many times since the incident that it wasn't my fault. These many times of convincing have failed. As much as i don't want to believe it, it was my fault. If i had not made the choice of getting into my car and driving over to Union and P street then i would not be in this situation. I would not be falling back into depression. I would not have the desires to resume my past temptations of cutting and burning myself. Even as i write this right now, i have complete disgust in myself. I am whining to the world right now. Why can't i handle holding my feelings in anymore? Why can't i be normal and love myself again? My answer to both of those questions is simple. His name is John.

I must stop this saddening madness for tonight. Im crying, yet again. There will be more to come. I have a feeling this will never leave me. Thank you to those of you who have stuck with me throughout this ordeal. I love you guys completely.