A true hatred.

For those of you reading this, which I'm sure is not many, congratulations. I don't even know where to begin. First off, I decided to start this to keep my friends up to date with my life. I feel like lately I have been neglecting you all by not informing you of my recent experiences. But mainly, I decided to start this because I'm hoping to use this as an outlet of my anger, sadness, and hatred. I cannot guarantee you that this blog will be a happy one, or have happy posts for that matter.

A few days ago, a good friend of mine brought up a subject in a message that i had not thought about in a bit. It has been over a month now since the incident happened. Yet, it feels like it happened yesterday now. Over the past month, i have been able to hide my true feelings about myself and portray false ones. I was able to convince myself that these false feelings were true. I made myself believe that i was a happy person. I thought that i had my life under control finally. If someone asked me how i was, the typical response was "i'm happy." This is what i believed. I never expected what was to come in this message. I remember opening this message with a smile, i was happy that someone had finally messaged me after a month of no new messages. About halfway into the message, the smile had faded. I was shocked. I was...speechless. At this point, a tear began to slide down my face. It wasn't until the salty drop of water hit my left index finger that i realized i was crying. I had never thought that i would cry over this incident again. And here i was, crying my eyes out. I understand that this friend was purely concerned about me and my life, i just didn't expect what was coming. After a good 10 minutes of crying, i finally responded to the message. While in the process of responding, i realized many things. Never again did i think i would hate myself this much. I cannot even look in the mirror without seeing hatred and disgust in myself. I have tried to convince myself many times since the incident that it wasn't my fault. These many times of convincing have failed. As much as i don't want to believe it, it was my fault. If i had not made the choice of getting into my car and driving over to Union and P street then i would not be in this situation. I would not be falling back into depression. I would not have the desires to resume my past temptations of cutting and burning myself. Even as i write this right now, i have complete disgust in myself. I am whining to the world right now. Why can't i handle holding my feelings in anymore? Why can't i be normal and love myself again? My answer to both of those questions is simple. His name is John.

I must stop this saddening madness for tonight. Im crying, yet again. There will be more to come. I have a feeling this will never leave me. Thank you to those of you who have stuck with me throughout this ordeal. I love you guys completely.