This Person Looks So Pretty, Do You Want to Burn Them With Me?

Why can't I find a lighter?

I really thought everything would be ok. I thought everything would be absolutely perfect. I mean, I met this amazing guy. I had my friend back. I had my family. Life was good. Then I hung out with my friend's little sister. I thought that I had fixed everything. Apparently, I hadn't. At the mention of a single name, this little sister started to cry. How do you tell somebody that even though she is talking to her friends again, she still has a sister that needs her? This girl should not have to deal with this on her own, but she feels like she has been abandoned. I cannot let this happen to her. I love her too much. Even if it means jeopardizing my own friendship.

I'm losing her.

I want to have her around, but she is too busy. She is too busy for her friends. She is too busy for her sister. I know she is going to read this, and instantly be mad at me. I do not wish to accuse, but I want her to see how her own little sister feels.

I'm having self destructive thoughts.

I'm desperately searching the house for a lighter. None to be found. Why am I still like this? I should be happy. I'm happy when I hear his voice, or feel his touch. But at night, when I'm alone, I want to cry. I want to cry so hard. But when I am talking to him at night, I feel ok. He makes me happy. If he makes me so happy, why am I searching for a lighter to ultimately scar my skin? These marks are simply a sign of my fault. A sign of my failure.

I cannot lose her.

I cannot lose her friendship. We have been close for way too long. I'm afraid that I will lose her though. This discussion might go bad, and then she might avoid me.

I cannot lose him.

He is saving my life right now. He is the reason I am smiling during the days. He is ok with all my faults. He will keep me alive.

I'm desperately searching for a lighter...